CoNsECrAtEd207's Xanga

twenty four

Sat, 06 Dec 2008 06:35:09 GMT

"24" - by Switchfoot

Twenty four oceans
Twenty four skies
Twenty four failures
Twenty four tries
Twenty four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
Twenty four drop outs
At the end of the day
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty four hours ago

Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And I'm not who I thought I was twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

Twenty four reasons to admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses still twenty four strong

See I'm not copping out not copping out not copping out
When You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now

And You're raising these twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts
But I want to be one today
Centered and true

I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now
And You're raising the dead in me

I want to see miracles, see the world change
Wrestled the angel, for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And You're raising the dead in me
Twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts.
I'm not copping out. Not copping out. Not copping out.

the LORD is my light and my salvation.

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 21:36:09 GMT

"1 The LORD is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?
2 When evildoers assail me
to eat up my flesh,
my adversaries and foes,
it is they who stumble and fall.

3 Though an army encamp against me,
my heart shall not fear;
though war arise against me,
yet I will be confident.

4 One thing have I asked of the LORD,
that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to inquire in his temple.

5 For he will hide me in his shelter
in the day of trouble;
he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;
he will lift me high upon a rock.

6 And now my head shall be lifted up
above my enemies all around me,
and I will offer in his tent
sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make melody to the LORD.

7 Hear, O LORD, when I cry aloud;
be gracious to me and answer me!
8 You have said, "Seek my face."My heart says to you,
"Your face, LORD, do I seek."

9 Hide not your face from me.
Turn not your servant away in anger,
O you who have been my help.
Cast me not off; forsake me not,
O God of my salvation!
10 For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
but the LORD will take me in.

11 Teach me your way, O LORD,
and lead me on a level path
because of my enemies.
12 Give me not up to the will of my adversaries;
for false witnesses have risen against me,
and they breathe out violence.

13 I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living!
14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the LORD!"

(Psalm 27 ESV)

So much can change in one year. So much can change in a month. So much can change in a day.
Yesterday my life was rocked yet again. My grandfather went to be home with the Lord. His hope, our hope is secure.

There is a peace that I cannot understand and a joy that I cannot express knowing that Lolo is in the presence of our Saviour.

The eyes that were closed so heavily because of hospital sedatives and multiple medications, are now wide open, gazing upon the beauty of the LORD. How amazing is that? To gaze, to look steadily and intently at His beauty.

In the last couple weeks we prayed for the Lord's will to be done. We waited. Our Father answered.
We continue to rest in who God is and what He has promised us.

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Sat, 30 Jun 2007 18:04:57 GMT

this is to my friend Christine- who is probably one of the few people i know that still reads this xanga and will ask me about the girl behind the words. who will tell me the truth whether i want to see it or not. who will, in the most genuine and transparent ways, show me what it means to live the life of one who is in Christ.

thank you.

you have been a tremendous blessing in my life. more than you will ever know.

Maryland

Fri, 29 Jun 2007 04:43:49 GMT

... to move...
...or not to move...

it's decision time.

come next thursday, i'll have some clarity as to what this next year will hold- whether it's 16 months of school in Baltimore or another year of working in the ER. weighed out all the pros and cons. heard what everyone has to say about it. considered the cost- not just financially. lots to be praying about. trusting that it will work out for my good-whether i may initially think it's good or not. rejoicing in who i know God to be.

come next friday, all these school decisions will be pushed out of my mind. shoot, forget school. i get to hang out with my bestest girls, Steen and Bets, for a whole 5 days! ;)

ay buhay.

"It's because it's Monday."

Tue, 05 Jun 2007 03:48:42 GMT

that's what one of the NPs said about the craziness that was called today in the ER. it pretty much sums it. i love my job, but today in the er... sucked- but that was all because i sucked and i let circumstances and people get the best of me and i so easily forget where (or Who) my joy really lies in. sin is so subtle sometimes. it's scary. For me, the day began at 4:30 this morning with my house alarms going on and off because we kept having these black outs, in which the last one ran for about 1.5 hrs. not to mention, my dogs freaking out, and my brother walking around the dark with a knife because he thought someone had gotten into our house. and tonight, my monday ends with news that my friend's grandmother- who is very close to my family- has just gone home to be with Jesus.

so... this is really what i'm thinking right now... a song that i've just come to love. sometimes a song just better captures whatever it is i'm feeling because i'm not too great with words.

Before the Day

"Last night when I was sleepin'
You were watching over me
While I dreamt about tomorrow
You knew my ev'ry need

Now another day is waitin'
For me to make it through
And there's no way that I could face it
Without You

Before the day slips away
I want to stop and say I love You, I love You
Before the world rushes in again
I want to stop and say there's none above You
There's none above You

I'll just be still and know that You are God
Be still and know that You are God.

There's something 'bout the morning'
The stillness of it all
That calms my heart to hear You
When you gently call

Here I am in Your presence
Where I long to be
Alone with You in the silence
Rain down Your love and Your mercy
Whisper softly to me"

"I Stand Amazed"

Fri, 04 May 2007 03:27:49 GMT

I stand amazed in the presence of Jesus, the Nazarene,
and wonder how He could love me, a sinner, condemned, unclean.
How marvelous! how wonderful! And my song shall ever be:
(Oh how marvelous! Oh, how wonderful!)
How marvelous! how wonderful! Is my Savior's love for me!
(Oh how marvelous! Oh, how wonderful!)

For me it was in the garden He prayed: "Not My will, but Thine."
He had no tears for His own griefs but sweatdrops of blood for mine.
How marvelous! how wonderful! And my song shall ever be:
(Oh how marvelous! Oh, how wonderful!)
How marvelous! how wonderful! Is my Savior's love for me!
(Oh how marvelous! Oh, how wonderful!)

He took my sins and my sorrows, He made them His very own;
He bore the burden to Calv'ry, and suffered and died alone.
How marvelous! how wonderful! And my song shall ever be:
(Oh how marvelous! Oh, how wonderful!)
How marvelous! how wonderful! Is my Savior's love for me!
(Oh how marvelous! Oh, how wonderful!)

When, with the ransomed in glory, His face I at last shall see,
'Twill be my joy thro' the ages to sing of His love for me.
How marvelous! how wonderful! And my song shall ever be:
(Oh how marvelous! Oh, how wonderful!)
How marvelous! how wonderful! Is my Savior's love for me!
(Oh how marvelous! Oh, how wonderful!)

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Sun, 29 Apr 2007 02:59:45 GMT

days 5 & 6 and the first day after orientation: ok, this is the last one. worked with NP's and PA's this week. learning the differences between the two providers. learning about different medical diagnoses. learning how to take criticism (whether constructive or not) and how to love people who are not all too fond of me. learning how to listen. learning that i still have so much to learn.

my thoughts: trying to practice what it means to work heartily as to the Lord and not for men. i'm often reminded of just how important it is to be a light in the darkness. not that i'm to act as if i'm better or "religious/spiritual", but that my words and my actions and re-actions are to be distinctly different. the world really does watch how you love them. a simple guesture of assistance, a genuine smile and "good morning" and "how are you doing today?", an real interest in who they are as a person, a show of appreciate at the end of the day, a willing and helping hand... it matters.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Sun, 22 Apr 2007 05:22:41 GMT

day 3&4- working with both MDs and NPs. started filling out the real t-sheets. learning more and getting the hang of things. getting used to the constant sight of blood, other not so pretty things, and big needles. actually getting to apply the stuff i've been learning from all those science classes.

my thoughts- still loving it. found out that my immune system is... weak sauce. my body just crashes on me every weekend. fever tonight. bleh. just getting used to it i guess. it usually goes away before my next shift anyways. i just want to be good at what i'm doing and learn everything i can out of it. i was told that no one becomes "good at it" until they're about 6 months into it. maybe i can do it in 3? ;) also told that "you'll learn to lose your compassion". i can't do that. i can't not love after i have been shown so much by Christ and my heart has been changed TO love God and to love others. i'm seeing that the world also pursues excellence and they do it without expecting grace. unfortunately, they do it for themselves and for the temporary pleasures of life. sadly, it doesn't mean a thing in light of eternity and before God. i think alot of times we as Christians (to my shame, I know I have) expect grace to be shown to us and instead of letting that grace push us towards holiness, we become lax and don't fight as hard. the calling is according to God's standard, and the work ultimately is to pursue holiness and excellence for His glory to be manifested through this vessel of His. what do you know? it's still all about the kingdom. it's still all about His name.

loving God.

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 02:09:24 GMT

I've been thinking about this alot this week. Do I really love God? I don't think I would readily admit that I do not love Him, but do I really understand what loving Him means? Heck, I dont even know if I know what love means. When I was in the 10th grade, I heard something about love that has stuck with me ever since: "Love is not a feeling or an emotion. It is a decision...(and in regards to marriage) that you're going to love that person for the rest of your life." Ok, so not the most expansive definition (given by my geography teacher) I've heard but it was one of those statements that made me stop and think way back in highschool. Now, as I think about it, I somewhat disagree. Yes, I understand and totally agree that love is action and a decision and commitment, but love IS also a stirring of the emotions. There is an attraction so compelling that I am affected to respond in sheer longing and delight because of who I know that person to be. I could "act" in a way that might portray a love for God, but is my heart madly in love with Him because of who He IS? Because I have seen and deeply experienced His initiating love for me in the person of His Son? Or am I missing the whole point of the great commandment to "love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind" (Matt 22:37)? Sure I can strive to love others but is it grounded on the fact that I genuinely love my God? Does the beauty of His holiness and his power and glory and love captivate me and cause me to earnestly seek Him? Do I cling to Him and live as if His steadfast love is better than life? Have I been so touched and transformed that everything I do in service is but an outpouring of my heart's complete and total satisfaction and enjoyment of Him? And when it feels as if there is no emotion or fire within me, am I still falling in love because I know Him and because He IS?

"To love God we must know him. God would not be honored by groundless love. In fact, there is no such thing. If we do not know anything about God, there is nothing in our mind to awaken love. If love does not come from knowing God, there is no point in calling it love for God. There may be some vague attraction in our heart or some unfocused gratitude in our souls, but if they do not arise from knowing God, they are not love for God." (Demand #9: Love God with All Your Heart, Soul, Mind, and Strength. p.76) -John Piper "What Jesus Demands From The World"

In these last few months, my heart has been awakened to loving God in a way that is different than when I was at TMC. It's easy to pretend or believe that I'm in love with Him in an environment that is so saturated with Biblical knowledge and spiritual conversations. Being at home is completely different. It really has been, by His grace, me fighting for joy in Jesus without having the friends to constantly push or challenge me in my faith; really seeking His face throughout the Old and the New Testament and longing to be in His presence; living out what I know to be true of God and having his truth shape my thinking- especially in environments that would try to speak otherwise; hungering for His Word and loving his commandments; reminding myself that I can do nothing apart from Christ; understanding that I can never do enough in a million lifetimes to earn God's favor or grace; striving to live "cross-centered days" like Mahaney would call it. What I have been seeing and meditating about God lately that has caused me to fall deeper in love with Him: God is just and He does everything for His glory and for the sake of His name.

my heart is enraptured. my faith is made strong. all because He has graciously revealed Himself through the face of His Son.

seek Him. know Him. love Him. abide in Him.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Sun, 15 Apr 2007 00:39:03 GMT

day 2: last day to shadow. next time it's for real-for real. long day but good day.

my thoughts: i changed my mind about the ER doctors. not all of them are speedy gonzales. it just depends on who you're with. thankfully, i have experienced both extremes. still the "new girl" but today was good. crazy sights. crazy smells-eww. crazy everything-in a very controlled and efficient manner though. learned alot. not AS intimidated. comforting to know that all the other scribes had the same feeling when they first started. the techs tried to be slick and put registration stickers on my back. my trainer today explained alot more to me which i was very grateful for. didn't think i would be this tired. can you tell? there's just something about being IN the hospital and working WITH the whole medical staff... i love it. thank you Jesus. :)